Wrong place, Wrong time

Wrong place, Wrong time

Have you ever seen something that just absolutely made you snap? I mean really snap, like you don’t remember what you did next. I did, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. Before I start my story let me just say that I grew up in a home with violence and abuse of all kinds. Yelling and hitting someone was very common in my house hold wether it be coming from a parent to another parent, a parent to their child or the siblings to each other. Needless to say growing up wasn’t a past time that I can look back on and reminisce about “the good old day” like most and I got into drugs and alcohol in my early adolescent years; which again, needless to say, didn’t help matters.Now, not to get into my childhood right at this moment but onto another important story. My wrong place, wrong time story. It was literally just that too. I had been at a party that a bunch of kids from my school were at in the neighborhood I grew up in. Seems all fine, (other than the fact that we are all under age and getting wrecked off booze and pot; while we are on the topic, might i add that alcohol is never a good mix to heated emotions and teens have plenty of this) until a certain group shows up, uninvited at that.

So much of that night is either hindered by the booze or being high or just the fact that I deep down don’t want to remember it but I just remember seeing this guy beating up a girl. It was actually an acquaintance of mine. In that moment right then, the last thing I remember seeing was my dad hitting my mom. Cut to a couple of hours later and I open my eyes only to see bright light cascading down onto me. I can feel someones hand holding mine. I look over to see my “mom” (amazing woman who took me in when I was 15 and always supported me and loved me for me) sitting beside me. I don’t remember what she said but i felt more at ease having her with me laying in the hospital. I asked to use the washroom and was helped over to one, not really noticing my current state but more so my surroundings. I knew something was wrong with me because first off I could barely make out the words coming from my own mouth when I was asking for the washroom and secondly i couldn’t move my neck when trying to look around. Shutting the door behind me i slowly turned myself towards the mirror and was completely dumbstruck. I didn’t recognize myself AT ALL. My hair was like a trolls roughed around and knotted and i realized the reason I couldn’t breathe through my nose, was because my lip had swelled right up to my nostrils. I started to panic seeing blood that had once poured out of my nose and mouth and immediately started to observe myself better noticing my swollen eyes to match my nose and mouth or the rest of my face for that matter. It was like right then and there I started to sober up and feel the pains (not entirely sure as to why it was hurting in some places) starting with my head. I could feel lumps and bumps all around and then BOOM! a bottle crashing on the back of my head. BOOM! A foot coming down towards my face. Eyes close. “stupid little bitch!” one of them screamed at me and then BOOM! pain in between my legs. I open my eyes, feeling the burning of tears now coming down my face and onto the open wounds I look down at my body. Bruises already started forming on my chest by my breast and ribs. My sisters new jeans she let me borrow for the party are now torn and blood stained. I remove them and notice my thighs are swollen and red where I was kicked and stomped.

My body suffered a lot from the beating and I’m paying for it more now than back when this happened. Now diagnosed with multiple chronic disorders/illnesses due to it, it only adds to my frustrations at times. Turns out I jumped in and beat up the guy who was beating on that girl. I obviously then got a vicious licking in return by 3 guys in front of, not just kids from school but really close friends as well. I felt a bit of panic after the attack for maybe a week but it quickly went away when I started using drugs and masking my fears and issues with blow and alcohol frequently. There is so much more to this story, although this is all that needs to be told right now. This my friends, is where most of my PTSD stems from.
-Alice 

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Thank you social media

Thank you social media

At 29 years of age, I was mostly against social media even when it became popular, starting with Facebook around my late teens.  It was a relationship’s worst nightmare. All of a sudden we were able to connect with others, some whom we haven’t seen in ages including Ex’s, people of the opposite sex, celebrities, etc. Any kind of jealous person would be asking the same question to their spouse “who is that?!” .  Now comes the explanation and reasoning behind the “follow back” button that was pressed.  We were able to meet new people instantly with the click of a button and for many, tore apart relationships.  The grass was always greener as they say.  I hated Facebook and still do somewhat as the most important people to me are a text or phone call away. I didn’t need to know what joe blow thought about the new avengers movie BUT, having said that……I’ve found a new useful way to utilize this social media trend.

To start, let’s look back at the baby boomer era. Touch tone phones, the ones where you had to crank that wheel to dial, remember those?? That was our only means of communication from one place to another back in the day. (If you want to count morse code go ahead ).  The invention of television and radio was probably one of the greatest inventions of all time.  It shrunk the world for us in an instant.  We could now turn on a screen and watch a news program and see what was going on in different countries.  I’m sure back in those days, nobody had a hot clue what was going on over seas. Radio gave us entertainment in the form of music. Hank Williams and Johnny Cash were some of the legends I remember hearing when I was very young on my grandma’s ancient radio.  People didn’t do much talking back in those days as mental illnesses were something almost non exsistent.  Until suicide rates started climbing, we turned to doctors to give us zombie pills to keep us alive.  Trial and error for months on end. Lab rats with these weird side effects nobody wanted a part of.  You didn’t hear about mental illnesses on tv much.  So people were kind of left without any knowledge of why they were feeling the way they did.  I assume they probably felt this was normal and part of life that everyone experienced.

The parents were agitated and undiagnosed.  Kids grew up being spanked, scolded, bullied and physically abused.  Frustration from perhaps a bad day of work? All of a sudden that glass of milk you spilled was the worst thing in the world and you were an idiot, Scolded and sent to your room without toys or dinner perhaps. It was a different time back then.  Well, those kids grew up.  And those events that happened to them are still affecting them today, again often being undiagnosed.  All of a sudden we have suicides, and mass shootings for no rhyme or reason and we wonder why these things happen?

We fast forward to today and because of social media we can now look online and see someone post their feelings and say “hey, that sounds a lot like what I’m feeling”.  Hit the follow button, and all of a sudden you and this random person from San Jose California (thousands of miles away) have something to talk about.  And that’s EXACTLY why social media to me, was the best thing to happen to us as a society since television and radio. Sure you could say Social media is useless had computers not been invented, but let’s stay on topic here.

The younger generation that are using social media as a means of bullying are one day going to wake up and realize what kind of impact they’ve caused.  If my son or daughter became a bully that would be a horrible feeling almost as much as them being bullied. Kids are cruel, and they will post mean things to one another and continually harass classmates, especially young girls whom seem to be the most vulnerable. Remember to talk to your children and when they grow up they will carry on the tradition and teach their kids about internet bully’s. This is how society grows, by learning from each other’s mistakes.

There is good and there is bad about social media.  We can look at other people’s lives and become envious and inadequate when we see vacation photos and you’re stuck in that dead end job just scraping by.  (Another reason I hated Facebook).  But it’s saving so many lives at the same time by getting people talking.  Anonymously or not, the embarrassment or shame wasn’t a huge deal anymore, and I firmly believe this new generation of millennials will be much better off than the generation x era as I was in.  I can see mass shootings coming to an end, suicide rates way down and people are going to be getting the proper treatment when someone notices the warning signs.

When I realized that what I was going through wasn’t “normal” , I was able to reach out on twitter and find others going through the same thing.  After awhile, and with the help of doctors, loved ones and social media I was able to quit drinking and get myself clean and sober finally.  Creating this blog was one of the best things I ever did and I hope people will continue to come back and love life as much as I’m enjoying myself today.

– J

Pardon Me

Pardon Me

Pardon me 

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to pull me around by my arm like I was a child, just because I was YOUR girlfriend.

It hurt when you made me feel like your time was more valuable than my own and put me down when I didn’t comply with YOUR schedule.

 

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to use YOUR wealth to make me feel small and dependent on you. Did it make you feel better about yourself? Because it made me feel like crap

 

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you dismissed my feelings and concerns because they weren’t issues of your own. I felt belittled and invisible when you turned on your gaslight “charm” I must be so silly and imagining it all. Right?

 

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to have sex with me when I said I didn’t want to, just because I was YOURS. I’m not a thing. I’m a person and I’m ALLOWED TO SAY NO!

 

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you used intimidation to have everything your way. I felt powerless and weak.

 

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you’d offer me to your friends like I was YOUR TOY. I felt humiliated and like an object.

 

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you used my mental health issues against me. You shouldn’t have said things like “who’s going to want to take care of someone like that?” I felt ashamed that I let you toy with my already broken emotions.

 

Pardon me, but I won’t let you hurt my feelings anymore because I deserve to be treated like a human being and with respect regardless of my mental health issues, my physical capabilities or my financial status.

-Alice  

Withdrawals 

Haven’t had any alcohol in just over 2 months. Was a heavy beer drinker on weekends for 10 years. Do withdrawals last this long? Can anyone shed some light on this? I’m expieriencing really bad fatigue. Back ache. And stomache is not happy at all. 

BULLYING

BULLYING

I saw a video about a month ago that gave me that lump in my throat. It was a boy sitting at his desk while a classmate was belittling him in front of everyone else. The teacher was not present (I assume) as this continued for about a minute. A bell rang and all the kids went to the hallway where the bully continued stalking him and calling him names. The young boy tries his best to ignore the verbal abuse until the bully decides to try physical instead. He corners the victim in a corner and as the other kids were recording and laughing at this all, the bully begins to punch him repeadidly.
I had a hard time watching this. As a victim to bullying myself, it brought back familiar feelings. Coming home from school in tears, dreading the next day, praying that the bully would leave me alone. Imagine someone embarrassing you everyday in front of others, making you feel worthless, weak, and scared. I hated school. I ran home everyday so I could go lock myself in my room, and be left alone as I played with my toys. I was quiet and shy most of my life, and grew up being anti-social. I turned to alcohol at 17 and found that I had no more fear being around people. I was more friendly, talkative and outgoing. I liked alcohol because it made me friends. Something I longed for as a kid growing up. Fast forward 12 years and it’s the same alcohol that is making me depressed, isolated, and angry. I realized after my family and loved ones had expressed concern that drinking wasn’t fun for me anymore, and I needed help.
In my opinion, bullying has lingering effects on a person’s identity. It stays with them, maybe forever unless they learn how to manage it. As you can see, among other truamatic events, alcohol wasn’t exactly my best friend in the end. I noticed that I was really stand- offish and angry. I would become a bully myself in order to boost my own ego. I would put people down, act like a tough guy and even get into fist fights. This wasn’t me. I was acting like a child all over again, reliving that nightmare I went through in my earlier years. Only this time, I’m trying to do something about it to the wrong people. Probably because I put on some muscle and wasn’t that scrawny little kid anymore. I felt like I needed to boost my ego back up. Become an “alpha male”. The most ridiculous label ever.
So, after a few relapses, some counselling, and a lot of patience from loved ones. I am starting to be my old self again. I feel like there is a lot more to life than sitting in a basement drinking beer every weekend. It’s great to not wake up hungover and my motivation of success is coming back to me. My relationships are improving greatly, along with self esteem, confidence, and happiness.
If bullying is something you went through or are going through, understand that as alone as you may feel, there are a thousands even millions who have gone through it too. It’s your ego and self esteem that are being attacked. We need to build those up in order to have confidence enough to be able to brush that shit off your shoulder and walk with that little bit of swag in your step. Bullies are often times very insecure people who are taking out their anger on you because someone or something at home is not doing good. They feel like they need to prove something in front of others in order to gain attention and friends. Maybe from neglect at home. They attack people that have different qualities than the majority in the class. They see the low self esteem, the low confidence and use that leverage to pry you open. So, we need to get those back. And it just so happens I have written pages on these kinds of areas. So read, read, read, over and over till you know it off by hand. And practise the exercises. All of them. You will be discovering a whole new improved YOU and back to loving life in no time!

#bullying

The Liar Inside You

Dealing with these issues can drain so much out of your body physically. We spend so much time worrying, we forget the reality of what’s really going on. We have a liar living inside us that tells us “we’re no good”, “we don’t deserve anything”, “I’m a complete failure”. We tend to try and predict the future or read people’s minds and come up with unrealistic assumptions that cause us to not even try!

* I have attached an example of what it should look like below along with a list of the distorted thoughts.

  •  Think of a scenario in the past that made you upset and write down what happened. Be specific
  • Now write down what you felt. Angry? Sad? Anxious? Depressed?
  • Beside each emotion, write down a percentage of how intense it was. Eg: Mad 50%  Sad 75%. Anxious 60%
  • Next, I want you to write the negative thoughts that made you upset and put a value beside that. Eg: How will I pay the bills (90%)
  • Using the Distorted thinking picture I added. Use this to identify what’s really going on.
  • Now last and most importantly, substitute more realistic thoughts and estimate your belief in each one.

Using this method, I was able to identify the lies that my thoughts were trying to tell me. When we write it down, we can physically see how irrational we can be on ourselves.  When something negative happened to me, or I thought of a past occurrence that upset me, I would do this every time. The more and more you do this, the quicker you will be able to think differently about yourself. Be your own best friend. If my friend got laid off from work I wouldn’t put him down. I would tell him that it will be ok. Instead of the hopeless feeling we have, we now can identify something much more powerful. Hope.

Introduction


            Please use this opportunity to share with others about the obstacle you are facing. I myself, have been through a lot in my life, which is why I wanted to make this page in order to help others overcome as I did. Such problems as:

  1. Depression
  2. Anxiety
  3. Stress
  4. Trust
  5. Self esteem
  6. Sexual abuse 
  7. Alcoholism
  8. Addiction

My goal in setting up this page was to simply help people. At first, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what I was going through.  After years of struggling, I’ve found serenity in opening up. And quite often it’s strangers that have, or are going through the same situations as yourself. Sometimes just realizing you are not alone in the battle is a relief on its own. 

Sign up and follow to encourage others to open up and do the same