Outside By Alice

Outside By Alice

Standing on the outside

 

Being in a toxic relationship is one thing all on its own, but I’m wanting to talk about being the friend or family member of someone who is in a toxic relationship. I myself have grown up watching my mother be in one and then grew up to end up in not one but two toxic relationships myself, so I feel I have a pretty good understanding of what makes a relationship bad and what it feels like to be in one. Usually you feel stuck and this could be for many reasons; such as you are truly in love with the person and just want to fix things with them, or possibly even that you have fallen victim to abuse and now have issues with leaving. I’m not going to get into the abuse part of a toxic relationship right now but focus on the support that a person needs when they are in a toxic or abusive relationship.

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As a friend or a family member its hard to see someone you care about going through something that is breaking their heart and in some cases their spirit too, changing the person you once knew into someone you barley recognize. I see two things happening after this. Either you just walk away completely from the person and tell them that they are stupid for staying and they are making a big mistake or you keep your mouth shut and you let them go on making their own decisions because really, its their life, right? So this is the touchy part. I don’t think its okay to just snip someone out because you don’t condone their choices in life, but I also don’t believe you should hold onto people who practice in toxic behavior and allow themselves to be put through such negativity in life. I find there is a fine line and of course you must use your judgment but first when doing, so start off remembering that this person you care about IS just that, a person you care about. So what can you do to help? You can be supportive!

 

Showing support and letting someone know that you care and are there for them in the decisions they make can help someone, who is feeling really down in a bad relationship, to build up confidence. Usually when someone is stuck there is a broken down self esteem that makes them feel like they are damaged goods or that no one else will want them, causing the person to feel like they are better off in the current crap relationship they are in. You want to be empathetic and compassionate when telling your friend or loved one that they deserve to be cared for and loved and in a healthy way. Try telling them all the great things that you love about them, chances are they have forgotten. Let them know that walking away will be hard but that you will be there to help them in any way that you can. They need to feel strong again in order to set themselves free.

 

That being said, there is also a time to walk away from these people. Yes even if they are a good friend and yes even if they are family. I won’t tell anyone what to do or how to do it but I know that I also have to live my life in the best way that I can and try to stay on a positive route. So if I have been trying to be there for someone so that they can leave a bad situation and get into something more positive for themselves and they don’t want to follow through and help themselves then there really is nothing more for me to do. No amount of support or love will make that person leave or make them see their worth if they don’t love themselves or are accepting to the help they need to get out. Its a hard thing to do to walk away from those you care deeply for but I feel like I’m also being a good friend/family member by showing them that I won’t allow them to be abused and that I don’t allow room for toxic relationships in MY life. I will always let them know I love and care for them and when they are ready to love and care for themselves too I will be waiting right here for them with open arms.

 

Alice

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Damage Done

Damage Done

 

When an offender or perpetrator harms a child or minor physically, sexually or psychologically, it is known as sexual abuse. Though the child is not in a position to consent to any such sexual activity, it is thus considered a crime that has a lasting impact on the victim.

If a child is sexually abused all bonds of trust seem to break. This is a violation against a person’s own physical intimacy.  Such acts of physical exploitation will be seen as spiritual violence that has disastrous effects not only on the body but the mind as well. To recover from such an incident it might take years or even a lifetime as sexually abused victims can never emotionally get over it. 

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It is difficult to get precise statistics on the number of sexually abused survivors in the world as many survivors never reveal the truth. The whole tragedy is that since the survivors never tell anyone, they are not in a position to seek professional help to deal with the situation. Moreover the nature, duration and circumstances of the abuse and the child’s relation with the abuser all have a very adverse effect which does not enable his or her ability to move ahead in life. Furthermore it is seen that more than half of the victims are below 12 years of age mostly in the age group of four to six years. It is often seen that the offender is usually an adult member in the family or a teacher or coach or someone generally known to the child whom the child trusts. Childhood sexual abuse mostly occurs at home where the child can be easily accessed by the offender where he will not be suspected or caught. Abusers manipulate the victim to never reveal about the abuse by using various tactics, threat being the most common.

Considering the gravity of the problem of sexual abuse we can understand the need to converse with children explaining to them about body safety and at the same time keeping them safe ensuring a safe environment where they can without hesitation express themselves. The two main issues here are firstly to protect the child from sexual abuse and secondly to talk to your child if you suspect sexual abuse.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can lead to some of the most traumatizing experiences ever

Sexual abuse can lead to some of the most traumatizing experiences ever and no body is meant to endure such an experience. As a parent, an individual, or a member of the society, there are a lot you can do top inadvertently prevent sexual abuse from happening to you or anybody around you. Below are some steps you could take to prevent it:

Educate yourself

In order to stand against sexual violence at all times and never be caught off guard, you should take the time to educate yourself on the myths and the facts behind it. Take for instance, a lot of people still believe sexual assaults are committed by strangers; but in actuality, 90% of most sexual assaults are perpetrated by close friends and relatives. Moreover, it’ll be wrong to let your guard down or appear sexually provocative even around the people you trust.

Don’t give off a wrong sense of gender roles

Research has shown that a lot of perpetrators of sexual abuse are victims of a rigid understanding of femininity, homophobia, and masculinity. This is usually caused by statements like “Girls don’t play football” or “pink is not a color for boys”. These statements sometimes pass wrong messages and can lead to the perpetration of sexual abuse. Additionally, homophobia has been directly linked as a cause of sexual violence or sexism.

Change begins with you

Make an effort to model proper and healthy associations to other people. You are obligated to always respect people in the society and never attempt to abuse someone immorally. At the same time, you shouldn’t keep to yourself and endure unhealthy relationships; break out because you deserve better!

Take Rape seriously

While some people make funny jokes about sexual assault and rape, you are not expected to be part of them. As a matter of fact, it is your duty to always stand up to those types of jokes and to explain how it can dramatically influence a person’s life!

Stand up for survivors

Let the people around you and in the society understand that you are willing to always provide help, resources and advice to sexual assault issues whenever they arise. This portrayal of availability can reduce the possibilities of sexual violence and make a very big difference to those who might have fallen victim to it.

In conclusion, these tips should help make the society a better place and reduce occurrences of sexual assaults around you. However, if by any means you have been a victim of this vile offence and you are having trouble dealing with the experience’s aftermath; you should immediately walk up to a mental health counselor who can help you out of that stronghold.

Depressed? Feeling Anxious? Here are some tips from Alice

Depressed? Feeling Anxious? Here are some tips from Alice

Do you wake up sad every day? Do you feel like maybe you’re just a downer for everyone, or that maybe you’re just not trying hard enough? I feel like that all the time. I have friends and even family that feel like that too, the difference is they take anti depressants. Thats absolutley fine, and I don’t discrouage anyone to take their medication, if it helps.

I am a person who does not like taking medications or pills, and when I have taken antidepressants, they didn’t react well with me. Either I felt like a zombie and I completely couldn’t figure out who I was anymore, or my symptoms got worse with some, and once I even had an allergic reaction to one type, and had to go to the hospital. Some people say that I should give them more of a chance, but I think people should give me more of a chance.

How one person mananges their depression, isn’t necessarily going to be beneficial to another person. I know I can be very hard on myself, especiially in the tough swing of things, those days or sometimes even weeks, where you find yourself crying over little things, or remembering old things you swear you’ve gotten over, or just not acting yourself.

Sometimes I feel so silly for the feelings I get, I get angry with myself and start to question if I’m handling my depression properly? Thats when I realize I am not. Its okay to manage your deprestion in different ways than others, so long as it works for you, and is beneficial to you, and the people around you. But getting mad at myself for the way I feel, isn’t handling it appropriatley, and its hard for me to see that sometimes when I’m going through a depression spell.

I try to write in a journal, so that I can be more reflective when I need to be. Other times, because of my axiety I’m very aware of myself and my siatuation, which really does work as a bonus in those down times. So i’ve learned some self help methods, starting with how to make me feel better.

I can start by trying to think of something that makes me feel good, or a person that I love. I think back at a happier time, if I can’t find good around me at the moment. I try to be kinder to myslef, notice that I need to be loved and cared for, and its usually in that moment that I feel, like I need to mabye try to do something I like, like working out or dancing or listening to music or reading a book. I find that that helps me for a little bit, but only for a little bit. I also realize in that moment, that i’ve been pushing people close to me away, and usually the ones who know me the best, will try to come around anyways, because they see the signs and they care.

I realize that, when i’m sitting alone that I pushed them away, and now I need them. So I pick up the phone. I never did before, because I didn’t want to bother people with my feelings, but then I realize that if they care about me, they will be there for me. I’m lucky enough to have a few people who will be there for me, even after I push them away, because they know that I will welcome them with warm embraces, once i’m back to feeling better. Once the depression subsides or the anxiety eases up.

I did have a time when I felt I had no one to call, but I knew that I would also hurt people if I didn’t get help for myself, so even though I felt silly, I called a help line. Honestly just knowing that there is no right way to handle my mental illness really helped me work through it.

It was when I was being forced to do things that weren’t for me, that made me feel worse. I may not like my depression or anxiety, but its kind of a part of who I am, and the things I have been through. I know for some people, they go through things and get out of them, I know for others its a life long struggle and thats okay. I’m never going to shame someone for living with depression, and I hope they never feel that way from anyone else. Just know that you are you, and there is no one exactly like you, so take comfort in handling your mental illness, in whatever positive way that works best for you.

In a time when someone is drowning

do not try to teach them how to swim
-Alice

Trust The Process

Trust The Process

You know what really bothers me most about hard headed people.  Its when they say they had a bad childhood growing up also.  They start going into details, yada yada yada, like as if in their heads, they had it much worse off than everybody else, and since they seem content with their life, we should all just feel fortunate.  You ever have someone do that to you? or make it seem like you have a lot to be thankful for, so cheer up and be happy.  Things could always be worse according to them.

I want to say first off, nobody’s childhood was perfect.  you show me someone who claims it was, and ill show you a liar.  we all had things growing up that maybe didn’t seem bad at the time, but when we look back now, we cringe.  For me, looking back I feel stupid for not standing up for myself more.  I didn’t have that self confidence as a kid, and classmates took advantage of that I suppose.  But it still bothers me at times today, and I know what your saying, just let it go and move on with your life.  Well, I have, and I’m doing just fine now in my life but that doesn’t mean that my guards are up from past traumatic things that have happened.  And whose to rate these events in order from worst to “Not So Bad”.  These same people that seem to think they have the authority to rank our past history and tell us how we should feel today, are the same people that need a lot of help themselves.  They lack empathy and maturity to put it quite bluntly.  So if you ever come across one of these people, just smile and nod.  Their opinion is that of a child’s.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why you feel the way you do.  The world we live in is far from perfect and you see celebrities now a days checking into rehab like it was the town attraction.  Famous people struggle just as much as anyone else and money doesn’t change that.  Money doesn’t provide happiness, it only provides freedom.  “The lottery will ruin you” Joe Rogan once said.  You have to earn everything you get in this life, and that’s the only way your gonna learn to appreciate the finer things.  That’s what makes us successful in life.  If you enjoy driving the bus every morning and getting people to work, then your a success! If you love teaching kids because it gives you fulfillment money cant buy then you are a success.  Be proud of who you are and what you do.  If you enjoy doing your occupation, the money will come, but if your miserable at work everyday, the job pays well, but it depresses you in the process well, it may be time to consider changing your occupation.  There is still a lot of time for money to be made, but what’s the point when every morning is a struggle to get up.  We cant take money with us when we pass away, so why do we put ourselves through such misery in order to afford that luxury vehicle we don’t need.

The only thing we leave behind in this world is our presence in which people remember us by.  That’s why building strong relationships with people is so important.  Be sympathetic for someone.  Show support for strangers.  I’m no angel myself, I tend to get a little irritated when someone cuts me off in traffic but I do try my best to be more available to anyone who needs me there for them.  Do the same for yourself.  Sign up to coach a kids team and teach them everything you know.  You will find that fulfillment maybe you’ve been missing for awhile.

 

Wrong place, Wrong time

Wrong place, Wrong time

Have you ever seen something that just absolutely made you snap? I mean really snap, like you don’t remember what you did next. I did, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. Before I start my story let me just say that I grew up in a home with violence and abuse of all kinds. Yelling and hitting someone was very common in my house hold wether it be coming from a parent to another parent, a parent to their child or the siblings to each other. Needless to say growing up wasn’t a past time that I can look back on and reminisce about “the good old day” like most and I got into drugs and alcohol in my early adolescent years; which again, needless to say, didn’t help matters.Now, not to get into my childhood right at this moment but onto another important story. My wrong place, wrong time story. It was literally just that too. I had been at a party that a bunch of kids from my school were at in the neighborhood I grew up in. Seems all fine, (other than the fact that we are all under age and getting wrecked off booze and pot; while we are on the topic, might i add that alcohol is never a good mix to heated emotions and teens have plenty of this) until a certain group shows up, uninvited at that.

So much of that night is either hindered by the booze or being high or just the fact that I deep down don’t want to remember it but I just remember seeing this guy beating up a girl. It was actually an acquaintance of mine. In that moment right then, the last thing I remember seeing was my dad hitting my mom. Cut to a couple of hours later and I open my eyes only to see bright light cascading down onto me. I can feel someones hand holding mine. I look over to see my “mom” (amazing woman who took me in when I was 15 and always supported me and loved me for me) sitting beside me. I don’t remember what she said but i felt more at ease having her with me laying in the hospital. I asked to use the washroom and was helped over to one, not really noticing my current state but more so my surroundings. I knew something was wrong with me because first off I could barely make out the words coming from my own mouth when I was asking for the washroom and secondly i couldn’t move my neck when trying to look around. Shutting the door behind me i slowly turned myself towards the mirror and was completely dumbstruck. I didn’t recognize myself AT ALL. My hair was like a trolls roughed around and knotted and i realized the reason I couldn’t breathe through my nose, was because my lip had swelled right up to my nostrils. I started to panic seeing blood that had once poured out of my nose and mouth and immediately started to observe myself better noticing my swollen eyes to match my nose and mouth or the rest of my face for that matter. It was like right then and there I started to sober up and feel the pains (not entirely sure as to why it was hurting in some places) starting with my head. I could feel lumps and bumps all around and then BOOM! a bottle crashing on the back of my head. BOOM! A foot coming down towards my face. Eyes close. “stupid little bitch!” one of them screamed at me and then BOOM! pain in between my legs. I open my eyes, feeling the burning of tears now coming down my face and onto the open wounds I look down at my body. Bruises already started forming on my chest by my breast and ribs. My sisters new jeans she let me borrow for the party are now torn and blood stained. I remove them and notice my thighs are swollen and red where I was kicked and stomped.

My body suffered a lot from the beating and I’m paying for it more now than back when this happened. Now diagnosed with multiple chronic disorders/illnesses due to it, it only adds to my frustrations at times. Turns out I jumped in and beat up the guy who was beating on that girl. I obviously then got a vicious licking in return by 3 guys in front of, not just kids from school but really close friends as well. I felt a bit of panic after the attack for maybe a week but it quickly went away when I started using drugs and masking my fears and issues with blow and alcohol frequently. There is so much more to this story, although this is all that needs to be told right now. This my friends, is where most of my PTSD stems from.
-Alice 

Break Up Diaries 

Break Up Diaries 

I HATE when I’m going through something that feels like its ripping my heart out, and physically causing me pain, and I open up to someone, as a release to let it out even just a little, because I can’t stop crying, and they respond to me with “Yeah, break ups are hard”, Seriously!? Thats the cliché line you’re going to throw at me right now, while I share my biggest insecurity, of feeling so weak and vulnerable, while my heart is breaking and aching?

If you have ever given someone that line let me please tell you right now, that you should NEVER use that line again! EVER! Like as though I didn’t already know, that what I am currently going through, emotionally, spiritually and physically is fucking hard.

Maybe for some people a break up is just “hard”, and used so carelessly because all thats  it is, is just hard, and then they move on, but for some of us, whether it be that we were truly in love, and had our hearts broken, or that we loved the wrong person, and had to let them go, its more than just hard.

I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself, when I say that when I love someone, no, when I am in love with someone, I form a connection with them in evey sense. It may be hard to understand, or even seem impossible for some people to comprehend, but that is the way that I love. Even when I am no longer “in” love with a person, I still love them, because I have unconditional love.

Now, just because its unconditional, doens’t mean I haven’t learnt when to walk away, from someone who doesn’t love me, or who hurts me, or from a toxic relationship, but it does make things hard for me, and it does hurt me so very much.

Maybe thats why it takes me a little longer than others to “get over” someone. Maybe thats why when words like “break ups are hard” are thrown at me so carelessly I feel like they can’t even fathom what I am experiencing right now. Its not comforting, it doesn’t help and trust me you just sound like an ass.

Some things you can say are; “I understand how you are feeling”, or “I could only imagine what you are going through”. Even better things to say would be; “I’m here for you”, or “Is there anything I can do to help?”.

Those are powerful words that can comfort someone in a time of need and dispare. Those simple words of empathy, and kindness, can mean the world to someone, who has lost someone they care deeply for or even love. The end of a relationship can feel like death to some people, and the last thing you want to say to someone who is grieving the loss of someone they love is, “Yeah, its hard”. Fuck off!!! because we know its hard, we are going through it! Maybe you handled your situation differently, or got over it quicker, but that gives you no right to dismiss someones heartache, by clumping it up with everyone elses experience with breakups.

You don’t know what they had, what they went through, or what they had to do, to be where they are now, so since you know that breakups are hard, stop playing captain obvious, and and try to be a little more compassionate.

“I’m sorry but you just didn’t have what it takes” -my mind to my heart, while it breaks.
-Alice