Abuse is never okay. That being said its also unfortunately usually a cycle of things. The man that hits his wife and kids was once beaten often by his father growing up and watched his own mother feel the harsh contact of his fathers hands. This same man I speak of is my biological father. I want to talk about the cycle of abuse not just in terms of how the abuser abuses and then puts blame on the abused and then feels shame and remorse and promises never to do it again before doing it again. No, I’m talking about begin a victim of abuse and then projecting those same painful infliction onto other people through various forms of abuse.
You see like I had said, my father was hit by his father and even though I think he truly didn’t want to be the same kind of dad he turned out to be a lot like him. When his stress levels would get high from work or not having enough money to provide for his family his temper would flair up and he’d yell at us for everything, till his face was beat red. Then he’d get into a fight with my mom in the other room and things would get physical, you could hear things crashing around and my mothers screams back at him. It didn’t take long for us kids to realize that one of us was going to get it next. If not by our dad then for sure by our mom. She was being abused, in turn she hit us to let out her anger and hurts.
I grew up like this and vowed I’d never be in a relationship like that. So toxic towards one another to the point of such violence. I was wrong thinking it would be so simple for me. Later on in my late teens/early twenties I was living with my boyfriend at the time. It was my first serious relationship. Even though we were good at being friends, best friends even, we were not so fortunate in our relationship. Young love though! Love! These things can hinder us from seeing the signs that warn us we are going down the wrong path unfortunately. We had gotten into a huge fight because I had found him cheating on me with more than one other girl and after what seemed like a forever and never ending screaming match, I hit him. I was enraged and couldn’t control him and so, I hit him.
We stayed together for over 7 years. Needless to say there were more fights like that and both parties were physical toward each other. It was wrong. Wrong of me, wrong of him all of it was wrong. I had tried to recall tips from therapy from previous years, that helped me control my temper and violent acts. Remember, I grew up in a household filled with abuse so naturally I grew up being violent in my anger at times. Thankfully, I had gotten help and straightened myself out or so I had thought. People change, and other people bring the worst out in us sometimes. As I tried to fix myself though, my partner was hurting too and so when we would get into fights, sometimes he’d shove me around.
I’m not trying to make excuses or justify the abuse by any means, however, understanding my violent actions and behavior based off of being the abused at one point helped me realize my errors. Sometimes in all the rage or even just being used to this behavior makes it harder to see the wrong in our ways. Understanding that my parents were both abused also helped me in my healing process as well. Knowing I didn’t deserve to be treated that way took away the guilt I felt as a child for making my mom and dad so mad at me. The key to all of this is to understand and to break free from the cycle. If you can’t do it on your own, then get help. Be it from a family member, a friend, a support group etc. I suggest anger management programs and therapy because it really is so much bigger than you’d think. All the support and help is going to be needed. Even if you feel silly, like there is nothing wrong with you, people just piss you off….I hate to break it to you but you probably need to work on how you react towards other people and how to manage your emotions better. If not, you will only perpetuate the vicious cycle.