The Alcoholic Diaries

When you’re in the midst of dealing with an alcoholic or have one in your family, just remember that the disease ruins not only the subjects life, but potentially everyone else around them as well. Relationships that involve one drinker and one non drinker usually will not work.  And when I say “drinker” I mean a “weekend warrior”. Someone who drinks and parties every weekend like I used to do.  I never seen anything wrong with it before, until things started to spiral and it was bringing me down every time.  I try not to look back at the past 10 years or so, not all of it was bad but I think about the times I put up with people who were bad influences to me and how I acted when I was around them.  You may be right when you say it was my choice to hang out with them and I should take some responsibility.  Which I do, to a degree. When you’re an alcoholic you leave yourself vulnerable and mentally weak when it comes to decision-making.  I wasn’t in a good place the past 10 years.  I hadn’t realized that I was struggling with depression and anxiety until 2 years ago and that I was basically a ticking time bomb.  The only time I truly felt happy was when I was drunk.  I was miserable 8 hours a day, everyday, while at work and it really took a toll on me.  So when Friday came around, instead of dealing with my problems I just wanted to get shit faced and forget my name for a while.  So yeah, looking back at it today with clear eyes I can definitely see what happened and where I went wrong.  But one thing that I’ve learned to do and will continue to do is forgive myself for all the stupid mistakes I made while I was drunk.  I can do this because when I look back at who I was, I can see that I was battling a mental illness that was turning me into someone I wasn’t. But when your in your mid 20’s , young and nieve, most people wouldn’t think about a possible mental illness and deny alcoholism was an issue. So if you want to point the finger at me and say “nobody made you drink, you need to take full responsibility for your actions” the weak-minded alcoholic me would say “ok” and tuck my tail in between my legs.  But not today. Not me now.  I wanna make this as clear as possible when I say I owe NOBODY an apology except myself.  If I said something to you or did something to you in the past while drunk.  You need to realize that I wasn’t myself and that mental illnesses can take control of you’re the state your in and make you say or do things you never would if sober.  “Drunk words are sober thoughts” are only true if the person doesn’t have a drinking problem.  You ever see alcoholics on the street babbling to themselves? You think their just thinking out loud about politics? NO! They’re fucking crazy cuz the booze made them lose their damn minds years ago. And that’s where I was heading if I didn’t get help so screw you if you think I owe you an apology. I don’t owe anyone anything. Some of my family members won’t even reach out to me to see how I’m doing these days.  And that bothers me a lot because if I knew a family member was struggling with a mental illness I would care enough to at least shoot them a txt to say hi.  I suppose some people change and don’t give a shit about anyone else but themselves. Thinking they are always in the right with their noses in the air.

I know alcoholics can say or do some pretty mean things, but if you show support and help them get better and deal with their issues instead of drinking them away.  You’ll see the sober person appear and realize it was all worth it in the end.  Maybe they just had a tougher time than you growing up, that doesn’t make you superior to them

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