Dealing with a mental illness everyday is frustrating to say the least. Anyone whose ever gone through an illness will tell you it’s not easy doing certain tasks that others may find simple. That can often make them feel inadequate and depressed, so they tend to start hating themselves or stay in their own comfort zone instead of trying new things. They are afraid to fail so they shelter themselves from ever feeling hurt or dumb etc. Nobody chooses to feel that way, it’s simply a response to someone else’s criticism or an attack on our self esteem and confidence. I was reading some old emails last night and came across a bunch that were written to friends and classmates from grade 11-12. In my emails I could see, and feel the confidence I once had back in the day and my self esteem was maybe at its highest point. Fast forward 11 years to today and I am proud of myself once again. This time for different reasons.
In between the ages of 18-29 I had lost myself. I Forgot who I was, and had little to no self esteem, confidence, or self love. My insecurities were controlling me and sucking the life right from under me. The only time I felt confidence was during a night of binge drinking of course, which led to a routine event for me. Depression soon followed along with stress and anxiety just like they were a whole new family moving into my head and took the wheel. It’s tough to admit defeat especially for a comepetitive person like myself, so I put on a mask for everyone and acted as if I was doing amazing and becoming a successful person financially. The money was a diversion to fool myself and everyone around me that I was doing great, and had my life figured out and under control. The truth is I was heading deeper and deeper into a world of trouble. I became this…….person that I had never known. Doing things I couldn’t have imagined doing while growing up and all the while keeping my nose in the air meanwhile I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’ve said sorry to probably everyone close to me during my 20’s, from a drunken stupor I did the night before. I’ve let a lot of people down from family to friends that had stuck by me along the way. Some are still around, others not so much.
I created this blog to help other people suffering in silence realize that they weren’t going crazy and that nothing was wrong with them. They just needed guidance. I also made this blog to help a healing process I’m going through and to share with whomever decides to read this, that I’m back. I’m back to the way I was before the drugs and alcohol. Before the heartbreaks, apologizes, the hangovers and the mistakes. I still have my bad days like everyone else but they are coming far and few in between. I am approaching 100 days since my last drink, and to celebrate I’m gonna chug a beer! Jk!!! =)
I feel my confidence and self esteem coming back. Not quite to what it once was but hey, Rome was built in one day. I’m learning to be patient with myself. To be my own best friend. And when I fuck up, it’s ok! I don’t beat myself up mentally like I used to. My insecurities aren’t controlling my attitude towards other people. Which is such an amazing feeling because now, instead of spending time and energy over thinking or worrying about someone else. I can focus on MYself and how I’m doing. If you cannot love yourself, it is almost impossible to let someone else love you. I stopped caring what other people thought of me. Their opinion on me was worth as much as the dog shit I stepped in earlier. I no longer let anyone point a finger at me and tell me I’m no good. And lately, I’ve been having new ambitions on what I want to do with my life. I’m wanting to try new things! I signed up to coach football for kids this upcoming summer, something I’m extremely excited about as it will be a new expieience for me. I’m also looking into starting my own electrical company in the next year. I realized that I don’t need to be miserable all the time working for someone else. Or even worse, working along side people that I simply cannot be around. I am a damn good electrician and a great people person. My knowledge in the field has been increasing a lot as of late because ever since I got sober, nothing has been clouding my judgement and I’m able to think more clearly and problem solve a lot faster! So why not give it a real shot?! I’m not trying to make you feel worse or down or inadequate. I’m showing you that things CAN turn around for you. The proof is right here, I promise you. I’m done having to say sorry for mistakes I’ve caused. And right now, I’m learning to let the past stay in the past. I’m learning to forgive myself for all the dumb shit I did. I don’t need anyone else’s approval anymore so I don’t need to try and impress everyone. I feel like a completely different person than I was, 1 year ago today.
I’ve been to the bottom already, now I’m only heading up. For that reason. I’m damn proud of myself